Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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