Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
