Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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