Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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