If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
