It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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