Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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