just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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