gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
