Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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