OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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