If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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