theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is the high leading the old right now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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