Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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