is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
