He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize