There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
