I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
