it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
