I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
