and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
