Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
