i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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