tell your sister to shave her snatch
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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