what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
