and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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