tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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