hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
