Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
