I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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