Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
