they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
