I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
