So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
