At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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