I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
