if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we're chasing vodka with high fives
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
