i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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