I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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