Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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