I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
