She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
