I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
