You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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