**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
