I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
