the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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