well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
