Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
