The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
