Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
