Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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