I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
