Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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