I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
