Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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